300
by Sheo Darren
Summary: Chapter 13: A Cold Day In Hell a.k.a. Owl Wars. Sequel to Taking Zaraki Kenpachi Out To See A Movie. What happens when Zaraki Kenpachi brings a DVD of the movie 300 back to Seireitei? Mayhem and bashing Mayuri, of course!
1. 300 Comes To Seireitei

**Bleach: 300**

**  
Disclaimer: **Bleach is not mine. (If it was, Tatsuki would be mine, too.) 300 not mine either. Or anything else I'm going to feature.

**Note:** As promised, the sequel to "Taking Zaraki Kenpachi Out To See A Movie" is here! Please read up on that fic for more laughs and the back story!

**  
****01: 300 Arrives In Seireitei**

**  
**When it was over, Zaraki Kenpachi shed a single tear of manly joy.

He was not a man of many words. Few of those words were given to lyrics or poetry. He was a fighter, not a lover or a thespian. "And fucking proud of it," he would add.

Now, for the first time in his life, he wished he had some power of lyricism, if only to be able to better express his impression.

It was his first time. That made it extra special. And it would set his standard for succeeding examples of the art to the highest possible pedestal in his pedestrian mind.

The artistry was flawless. The battles were breathtaking. The oratory was gripping. The ending was perfect. The whole film was sheer– what was that word that Kurosaki used? Cool. There. **Cool.**

"Well?" Ichigo asked as the rest of the audience filtered out of the cinema.

Zaraki lowered his normally booming voice into a sepulchral whisper out of respect to the impossible beauty he just witnessed. His words were rough but well-meant and laden with emotional admiration.

"300 is fucking beautiful..."

**  
**The whole host of the 11th Division assembled in the open plaza of their Division HQ to give their returning Taichou a hearty welcome.

Zaraki beat them to the cheer. His throaty roar overpowered his underlings' combined efforts.

"Harooh!!! Head's up, boys! I brought a goody from the human world!"

The grinning giant waved a thin rectangular case over his head. "We're watching 300's Limited Edition DVD Release tonight!"

**  
To Be Continued**


	2. The Thingies

**Bleach: 300**

**  
Disclaimer: **Bleach is not mine. (If it was, Tatsuki would be mine, too.) 300 not mine either. Or anything else I'm going to feature.

**  
****02: The Thingies**

**  
** "What do you mean, we **can't** watch it?"

Zaraki glared at his underlings. Were they resisting his sharing of enlightenment? He would gladly institute an Inquisition to purify his stubborn troop of their wrong-headed notions.

Yumichika flittered up to the batter's plate. "Well, Taichou, you got this from the **human** world, right?"

"Yeah?"

"From what I understand, they use certain thingies–" the loan word courtesy one Kurosaki Ichigo, renowned throughout Seireitei for calling **every** **single** Shinigami gadget as a **thingy** "–To activate these. Kind of like how you need a shikai first so you can activate your bankai, or something like that…"

"What do we need?"

"Ah, a DVD gamer– or was it player? I'm not too sure–, a television monitor– the bigger, the better– and stereo surrounding sound. I mean stereo surround sound."

"Where can we find those thingies?"

**  
** "Mayuri-taichou," Nemu serenely announced, "The entire 11th Division is coming this way."

"Not **again**!"

"MAYURI!!! GIVE US THE DVD THINGY!!!"

KABOOM

**  
To Be Continued**


	3. The Aftermath

**Bleach: 300**

**  
Disclaimer: **Bleach is not mine. (If it was, Tatsuki would be mine, too.) 300 not mine either. Or anything else I'm going to feature.

**  
****03: Aftermath**

**  
Dedication:** For peroxidepest17. I love how you have Yachiru mess up Mayuri's life!

**  
** "Thanks for allowing us to use your place and thingies, Mayuri."

"…"

"By the way, sorry for blowing you up like that. I got overenthusiastic there."

"…"

"Also, where **did** you put Yachiru's pony? The gift I told you to hide for me the day before her birthday?"

"…"

"Oh, yeah, right. I forgot you can't talk when you've been liquefied."

"…"

"Whatever. Come on, boys! We've got a movie to watch! You're invited, too, Mayuri. Drop– err, **drip** by any time."

"…"

"Thanks, I think you're a real pal, too."

"…"

Big feet stomped away. Silence.

"…"

Small feet pattered over to the puddle of blue goo littering the tiled floor.

"Hey, Bozo-Face!" a sugary cheerful child's voice happily inquired. "Are you sick again?"

"…"

"Oh, poor you! Off to the 4th Division, then! Let me get a jar first…"

Small feet flitted away.

"…"

SHIVER


	4. Toushiro's Awakening

**Bleach: 300**

**  
Disclaimer: **Bleach is not mine. (If it was, Tatsuki would be mine, too.) 300 not mine either. Or anything else I'm going to feature.

**  
****04: Toushiro's Awakening**

**  
** "Zaraki!" yelled a white-haired, pasty-faced Shinigami Taichou as he ran into the 11th Division HQ.

"Simmer down, kid! We're watching a movie here!"

"A what? And what did you call me?"

"Shut up, pansy! We're trying to enjoy ourselves here!"

"Yeah, twit!"

"Piss off, boy!"

"Go hit on your childhood friend!"

The collective insults hurled his way (especially the last one involving one Hinamori Momo) caused veins on Hitsugaya Toushiro's forehead to bulge. But his incoming yell of command was outstripped in priority by Ikkaku's gleeful exclamation.

"Ooh! Titties!"

Everyone looked. Including, it had to be admitted, Toushiro.

The woman was rather beautiful. A filmy transparence that flared from her body like flimsy white smoke blown about by tiny gusts of wind provided the only, inadequate semblance of modesty.

_She's naked,_ Shiro realized with a tremendous shock.

A curved mountain lifted out of that thin cirrus wrapper. Nothing approaching Matsumoto's heavenly peaks in size– but where his Fukutaichou's just barely managed to stay inside her costume, this was all out bare.

Blood rushed to his head, and also to his **other** head, the one between his legs.

GUSH

THUD

"Wuss," Zaraki muttered, a comment echoed by his men.

**  
**Hinamori Momo (after nearly slipping on a quivering blue puddle littering the 11th Division HQ floor) finally found her childhood friend huddled in a corner. "Shiro-kun!"

Hitsugaya's face was a mask of blood. His eyes were wide and fixated on some invisible horror. He rocked back and forth on his butt.

"Shiro-kun! What happened to you? What's wrong?"

"…A-Re-O-La…"

**  
** "Shit, that kid was into small chests? Freak…"


	5. Welcome Arcadian

**Bleach: 300**

**  
Disclaimer: **Bleach is not mine. (If it was, Tatsuki would be mine, too.) 300 not mine either. Or anything else I'm going to feature.

**  
****05: Welcome, Arcadian**

**  
**For the millionth time, Madarame Ikkaku looked over his shoulder. Finding no one other than his shades-wearing companion there, he continued on their way through the winding back alleys leading to the 11th Division Headquarters.

"What's the matter with you?" Iba Tetsuzaemon, 7th Division Fukutaichou (and formerly of the 11th Division) demanded of his drinking buddy.

"I want to make sure we're not being followed."

"You're afraid of the Second Division?"

"No, I'm afraid of what **Zaraki-taicho**u will do to me if Soifon and her flunkies get their hands on the DVD."

"You keep on talking about this 300 as if it's the greatest thing in the world."

"Shh! Don't say it aloud! The wrong people might hear!"

"Paranoid. It'd better be as good as you keep telling me it is…"

**  
** "Komamura-taichou?"

"What is it, Iba-fukutaichou?"

"Do you know where I can find a hoplite shield? So I can use it alongside my naginata."

"…A what?"

**  
** "Mayuri-taichou, the whole 11th Division is coming this way again."

"WHAT? They already took my best viewing thingies– I mean: equipment! **WHAT** do they want **NOW**?"

"**MAYURI!!! WE WANT HOPLITE SHIELDS!!! ON THE DOUBLE!!!"**

KABOOM


	6. THIS! IS! 11TH DIVISION!

**Bleach: 300**

**  
Disclaimer: **Bleach is not mine. (If it was, Tatsuki would be mine, too.) 300 not mine either. Or anything else I'm going to feature.

**  
****05: This Is 11****th**** Division!!!**

**  
**"Oi! Soi Fong! What do you want? And where the hell did you get such a motley trio of ninja assistants? Has the Second Division's sky-high standards dropped like a rock?"

"Zaraki-taichou! By order of the Soutaichou himself, I order you to hand over this… Dee Vee Dee copy of 300!"

"… Huh?"

"Correct! I have been instructed by the Soutaichou himself! Hand it over now!"

"Or we'll kick your ass!" the spiky-haired blond kid in the hunting-vest-orange-colored costume enthusiastically declared in support of his Captain.

"Naruto…" muttered his pink-haired, red-bloused companion.

"…" went their silent third member.

"You can't do that!" While Yachiru had not jumped headfirst into the 300 craze, she was completely on Kenpachi's side. "That DVD is Ken-chan's property!"

"Do not presume to answer me, you little pink-haired snot," Soi Fong sneered.

Power overwhelming overflowed. The jagged length of a nameless shikai hovered near the Second Division/Special Forces captain's face. Zaraki growled.

"You threaten my Division. You threaten my Fukutaichou. And you threaten **me**."

On cue, the whole 11th Division materialized around Soi Fong's squad. Predatory intent etched their faces into stone bas-reliefs of hungry demons.

The foursome of the 2nd Division was driven to the edge of a newly-built well. "You dare go against the Soutaichou?" Soi Fong was beside herself with fury. "This is madness!"

By now Zaraki's smile had grown such in width and breadth that it split his mug into a fanged shark grin. He glanced at Yachiru. His eternal sidekick grinned back and gave him double thumbs down.

Zaraki turned back to Soi Fong. "Madness? **Madness?!**" He gestured to his equally vicious men. "This! Is! The 11th Division!!!"

And he used his tremendous qi to knock Soi Fong into the well.

**"ZAAAAAAARRRRAAAAAAAAAAAKIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-"**

SPLASH

"So that was why you wanted me to dig a well, Taichou," Ikaku commented as he and the other 11th Division members casually tossed the Special Ops Captain's team of teenagers in after her.

"Damn straight."

"Speaking of wells, I heard of this other good movie we can watch. It's a horror movie about ghosts and curses."

"Not exactly my cup of blood, but… What's it called?"

"The Ring."


	7. Where Is Soifon?

**Bleach: 300**

**  
Disclaimer: **Bleach is not mine. (If it was, Tatsuki would be mine, too.) 300 not mine either. Or anything else I'm going to feature.

**  
To all my readers:** A very belated THANK YOU!!!

**  
****07: Where's Soifon?**

**  
** "Have any of you seen Soifon?"

"No."

"Nope."

"Nada."

"Haven't seen her."

"Who's that?"

Yoruichi had secretly dropped by to give her subordinate an important message. (Basically a "Hi, how are you? Me? I'm fine. Oh, don't worry about Urahara, etc etc…") But Soifon seemed to have disappeared off the face of Seireitei. The last she heard, the Second Division/Special Forces captain had been dispatched to the 11th Division Headquarters a week ago for a retrieval mission concerning a DVD.

_A __**DVD?**_

Upon interrogation, Zaraki loudly professed to have no idea where Soifon had gone. "The last time she dropped by, she seemed to be thirsty," the madly-grinning maniac gaily admitted. "So we gave her a drink."

His whole Division backed his statement. That told Yoruichi they had done something to Soifon. Strangely, though, she felt that Zaraki was sort of telling the truth. That worried her. The 11th Division wasn't renowned for honesty– or sanity.

**  
**After pointlessly quartering the length and breadth of Seireitei via flash steps, the exhausted Yoruichi sat herself on the lip of the 11th Division's HQ's brand new well– _and what's with __**this**_?– to try impose logic on her frustration.

"Where are you, Soifon?" Yoruichi asked the air almost plaintively.

A gurgling noise caused her to look over her left shoulder.

"Huh?"

A liquid-logged mop head rose out of the well's blackness to face level with Yoruichi.

"… seven… days…"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

THUD

**  
** "Yoruichi-sama? Yoruichi-sama?"

"She fainted…"

"Uh, Soifon-sensei, I think you scared her…"

"…"

**  
** "Hey, Ikkaku! Where **did** you get the **water** for the well?" Zaraki did not remember an underground reservoir beneath the 11th Division HQ.

"Oh, I improvised with readily available materials. Mayuri-taichou would be extremely pleased with my ingenuity."

**  
**The blue liquid filling the well shivered.


	8. Out Of The Frying Pan

**Bleach: 300**

**  
Disclaimer: **Bleach is not mine. (If it was, Tatsuki would be mine, too.) 300 not mine either. Or anything else I'm going to feature.

**  
To all my readers:** Domo arigato!

**  
****08: Out of The Frying Pan…**

**  
**Mayuri heartily cursed as he broke yet another nail on the slippery stone lining the inside of the well.

_Damn you, Zaraki! Of all the travails you've foisted upon me, using me to fill your well is beyond criminal!_

That it had been Ikaku who'd gathered his liquefied form (with a lot of help from one hyperactive pink-haired demon child) escaped the furious Mayuri at the moment.

Soi Fong had not helped. Mayuri's upper torso had been partially regenerated enough to allow him to look upwards upon hearing a continuous howl condemning Zaraki Kenpachi to Fates far worse than being a specimen in his lab.

_Isn't that Soifong's voice,_ he had wondered right before the Special Ops Captain had crashed on his head.

Mayuri might have survived impact, actually, had not more people promptly landed on him. His head had retained enough solidity and his eyesight had adapted to the near-darkness well enough to recognize the culprit of his explosive demise as one pink-haired shinobi who massed a surprisingly considerable amount for her small size.

_Heavy little bitch…_

Anyway, he'd spent nearly two weeks waiting for his body to fully reconstitute itself. Then he'd begun the arduous trek upwards. He'd kept slipping, and broke a lot of fingernails, but he inched closer and closer to freedom– and revenge.

It was night, near as he could figure, six hours into the climb, when the cool breeze that caressed his face told him he was almost there. He blinked and stared.

Mayuri had never been a connoisseur of the sky (he couldn't dissect it, after all), but after weeks in the slimy hellhole of the well, he welcomed the sight of the starry night like a man dying of thirst would view an oasis.

_Yes… yesyesyes… yes!_

A huge shadow blotted out the night sky.

_Oh, no._

"HAH HAH!!!" The booming voice was huge and rough and hatefully familiar. "I GOT YOU NOW, YOU DAMN WATER GHOST! TAKE THIS!"

_I hate you, Zaraki,_ Mayuri thought as the sword descended upon his head.

**KABOOM**

**  
** "That'll teach that stinking water ghost to mess with me," Zaraki, dripping viscous blue liquid, growled to himself with pleasure as he marched away from the well with sword resting on his shoulder. "Now to deal with those punk kids from The Grudge…"

**  
** "Don't you think the Taichou is taking this hunt for Sadako a bit **too** seriously?" Ikkaku asked Yumichika.

"You tell him."

**  
**Inside her well, Sadako felt she didn't want to climb out and scare someone to death for a while, schedule and reliability be damned.


	9. The Soutaichou Speaks

**Bleach: 300**

**  
Disclaimer: **Bleach is not mine. (If it was, Tatsuki would be mine, too.) 300 not mine either. Or anything else I'm going to feature.

**  
****08: The Soutaichou Speaks**

**  
** "Ah! Yamamoto-Soutaichou! What brings you here?"

"You know why I have come here, Zaraki-taichou."

"I think I do…"

The Soutaichou ran his hand through his braided beard. "I would like to see this 300 DVD myself. If you do not mind, of course?"

"But I don't! Make yourself at home!"

The 11th Division proudly led the Soutaichou into their "humble" abode.

A massive flat screen stood as a wall unto itself. A series of loudspeakers provided "surrounded sound" (or was it "surrounding sound"? "Surround sound"? The living world's terminology was so confusing at times…) The sofas were Lazy Boys or Easy Boys (they didn't really know the difference, and didn't care so long as the things were nice to sit in and could vibrate. Vibrating was fun.)

"This equipment looks familiar," Yamamoto noted.

"It's from the 12th Division. Mayuri-taichou was kind enough to provide them to us free of charge."

"Such generosity is uncharacteristic of him."

"People do the strangest things."

A nearby, hidden puddle of blue shivered with impotent rage.

**  
** "My decision is final," Yamamoto-soutaichou declared. "The 11th Division is to be left alone."

"But-" the raging Soi Fong began to protest.

"Also, if someone finds Mayuri-taichou, please inform him that I wish to have superior versions of the equipment he lent the 11th Division."

"–eh?"

"I also desire DVD copies of the latest movies. The Limited Editions, Specials or Director's Cut versions. This includes a copy of 300."

"Y-Yamamoto-soutaichou?"

"Further, I especially desire the 'Harry Potter' movie series. From what I understand of Ikkaku's delighted commentary, the actress named Emma Watson is, indeed, 'very hot'…"

At that point, Soi Fong knew that what Sousuke Aizen claimed was sadly true all along: Seireitei was no Heaven.


	10. Costume Change

**Bleach: 300**

**  
Disclaimer: **Bleach is not mine. (If it was, Tatsuki would be mine, too.) 300 not mine either. Or anything else I'm going to feature.

**  
****10: Costume Change**

**  
**The day the 11th Division came out with their new "gimmick" was the day Seireitei irrevocably changed for better or worse.

They changed their costumes' colors from black-white to red on grounds that it would be more difficult to tell if they were bleeding. Their costumes were worn open to bare tanned breadths of chiseled pectorals and multi-packs abs for all to see. Their bronzed bodies shone like Ikkaku's bare scalp. They carried huge round hoplite shields (courtesy the 12th Division), six-foot-long spears with broad leaf blades and single-edged stabbing swords reinforced by qi alongside plumed close-fitting helmets of bronze. They went into battle as a solid wall of men and muscle, shields and spearheads. Their roars shivered the air even as their sandaled stomps shook the ground.

"Harooh! Harooh! HAROOH!!!"

But the ultimate horror was reserved for last.

Yumichika in a white chemise gown drove onlookers to scream and run away while clawing at eyes that had seen too much.

**  
** "Yumichika? Ditch the dress."

"Buuuuut Taichou! It looks good on me!"

"Yumichika."

"Yes, Taichou…"

"And go pump weights in the exercise room."

"Buuuuuuut–"

"**Yumichika."**

"...Yes, Taichou…"


	11. Fight In The Shade

**Bleach: 300**

**  
Disclaimer: **Bleach is not mine. (If it was, Tatsuki would be mine, too.) 300 not mine either. Or anything else I'm going to feature.

**  
****11: Fight In The Shade**

**  
**The day the 11th Division fought off the massive Hollow incursion became a legend in Seireitei.

"A thousand Menos Grande of Hueco Mundo descend upon you!" the Hollow snarled even as it clutched at the stump of its arm. "Our power will blot out the sun!"

"Then we'll fight in the shade," Ikaku, who had chopped the arm off, deadpanned.

A tidal wave of Hollows emerged out of nowhere. They raced for the Shinigami arrayed before them.

The men of the 11th Division quickly formed a twenty-man-wide, hundred-man-deep phalanx wall.

"This is where we hold them!" Zaraki bellowed. "This is where we **fight**! This is where they **die**!"

"On these shields, boys!" Yachiru happily elaborated.

"Harooh!"

"Remember this day, men," Zaraki added. "For it will be yours for all time!"

"Shinigami!" a Menos Grande taunted. "Lay down your shikai!"

Something long and lethal launched out of that armored mass like lightning. It impaled the Menos Grande through the throat and beyond. The giant Hollow gurgled, toppled, and burned away.

"Hollows!" was Zaraki's challenge. "Come and take them!"

"I love these spears," Iba happily commented to Ikkaku. "When this is over, I'm transferring back to the 11th Division!"

"Damn right! Welcome, Arcadian!"

"Give them nothing!" Zaraki ordered. "But take from them… **everything**!"

**  
**The Hollows fired. A storm of cero blasts came screaming down from the sky.

The Shinigami of the 11th Division brought their shields over their heads and poured their qi into it. The cero blasts rebounded off their empowered shelters or completely broke apart. Not a single Shinigami was even slightly injured.

Ikkaku was chuckling despite the bombardment.

"What's so funny?" Iba asked him.

"We had to say it! We fight in the shade!"

Seeing the humor of it, Iba laughed his head as well. The joke proved infectious. Soon the whole 11th Division was laughing their heads off. And loudest of them was their titanic Taichou.

**  
**Ichigo and company, newly-arrived on site to help out Zaraki and co, halted at the sound of maniacal laughter drowning out explosions.

_The 11__th__ Division sure is a strange bunch…_


	12. Tonight, We Dine In Hell!

**Bleach: 300**

**  
Disclaimer: **Bleach is not mine. (If it was, Tatsuki would be mine, too.) 300 not mine either. Or anything else I'm going to feature.

**  
**To risingsundynasty13: I think I'll save Freeza and co for later. Meanwhile: this is for you.

**  
****12: Tonight, We Dine In Hell!**

**  
**"11th Division! Tonight, we dine in Hell!"

No one knew just to **what** lengths Kenpachi Zaraki would go to fulfill that tagline.

**  
**Midnight.

The evil Hollow looked about it nervously. It detected impending doom.

"There it is!"

"Get it!"

"Die!"

Hundreds of qi spears stabbed into the Hollow before it could react. Hundreds of blades slashed downwards. Hundreds of sandaled feet stomped and kicked.

The last thing the Hollow saw was the grinning death head of a huge spiky-haired man wearing an eye patch and waving a jagged-edged katana over his head.

The ghastly Portal into Hell materialized. Massive bone-encrusted double doors swung open to suck the Hollow's dark soul into its maw.

It was literally the opening Zaraki and company had been waiting for.

"Into the breach, boys!"

The 11th Division thundered through the bone-and-brimstone doorway.

**  
**_Into the jaws of Hell marched the three hundred…_

**  
**Makoto Shishio assembled his eager army of murderers. All of his men were here now. The Juppongatana (though Seta Soujiro was strangely missing; a disappointment). Anyway:

_Today is the day I take Hell! And no one can stop me!_

The blasted ground shook. The superheated air trembled. Power overwhelming descended upon the mummified man and his cohorts.

"What the-"

"Give them nothing! But take from them… everything!!!"

**KABOOM**

**  
**From their vantage point atop the lonely stony hill, a brother and a sister watched a human battering ram of red and gold smash straight through Shishio's encampment, catapulting tiny stick figures skywards like toys.

"Harooh! Harooh! HAROOH!!!"

"Is that all you got?"

"To the cliffs!"

The sister pouted prettily. "Is that Zaraki Kenpachi and his gang of hooligans?"

"I don't see anyone, Sarah," her brother replied. "Do you?"

"…No, Setsuna. I must have been mistaken."

"Yup. Wanna make out?"

"Sure."

**  
CENSORED**

**  
**"Are you sure you can handle this, Ai?"

"_It is better I do this alone, Toguro. You are here to do penance, not to enjoy yourself in fighting off this maniac."_

"Yes, Ai," the giant shades-wearing man in the trench coat conceded to the petite girl who oversaw him in his self-imposed stay in Hell.

**  
**Zaraki and co were gleefully tearing into Gi Ayuru a.k.a. Nakago, Gauron, Ikkyu Soujun and Aion, when a small voice somehow rose above the rampant blood craze.

"_I should have known."_

Zaraki actually halted. He snarled in disgust. "Great, the killjoy's here…"

A tiny slip of a girl calmly stood before the maddened mob of murderers that was the 11th Division. Coal black hair, blood-red pupils and ruby lips sharply stood out against snow-pale skin and quiet aura. A black yukata decorated by colorful flower patterns garbed her dainty form while a Gaze of Evil rivaling Unohana Retus effectively froze the bristling mass of spears and Shinigami. Even the hyperactive Yachiru stopped cold in her tracks.

Enma Ai frowned at the 11th Division. _"Kenpachi Zaraki,"_ the Jigoku Shojo quietly ordered. _"Leave Hell. Now."_

"You won't get rid of me that easy, Hell Girl!" Nameless shikai raised, Zaraki charged the diminutive ghost child.

A slim right arm lifted. The flower patterns across the yukata's sleeve leapt out and filled his vision.

"_How would you like to try __**losing **__for once?"_ Ai softly inquired.

**  
**Zaraki muttered vile oaths to himself. He and his 11th Division currently occupied wooden rowboats riding the Styx River flowing out of Hell.

"One of these days, I'm going to kill that little bitch…"

"Get in line," a throaty voice growled. It was owned by a huge muscled man in a black gi. Red hair seemed to burn out of his tanned scalp. Qi and killing intent copiously bled out of him.

Zaraki grunted. "Hah! Akuma! Fancy seeing you here!"

"Just for calling me that," Gouki returned, "I'll send you to Hell."

"Bring it!"

**  
**Ai felt the slightest of mounting displeasure build up within her small bosom as a Shun Goku Satsu brought the battling Zaraki and Akuma back into Hell. Sighing, she pulled her yukata's sleeves back for an almighty effort at playing bouncer of the place that no one in his right mind ought to want to enter.

"_Men…"_


	13. A Cold Day In Hell aka Owl Wars

**Bleach: 300**

.

**Disclaimer: **Bleach is not mine. (If it was, Tatsuki would be mine, too.) 300 not mine either. Or anything else I'm going to feature.

.

**13: A Cold Day In Hell (a.k.a. Owl Wars)**

.

Today was just not Enma Ai's day.

Being the Hell Girl was a tough job. Anyone could drag a soul screaming and kicking down to Hell. But Ai set herself above and apart from the rest through **presentation**.

Her artistic touches were often lost on the unwashed masses. Ito Makoto, for one. Ai was surprised that so many girls gladly sold their eternal souls just to kill him. She soon found out just why. Makoto was not only too stupid to realize he was dead, but he also tried to have an- an **H-scene** with Ai while they were sailing down the River Styx on her nice boat.

Since Makoto was already dead, Ai couldn't beat the **life** out of him with her oar. So she settled for simply beating the **tar** out of him. Yes, human souls were valuable. But you had to break eggs to make omelets.

Hell was but one group vying for souls. Most of Ai's business rivals were collectively termed Shinigami. The most prevalent were Seireitei's Soul Reapers, of whom one particular loathsome example currently ran amok in her front yard.

But at least Soul Reapers didn't really go out of their way to frustrate Ai. (Zaraki was the exception that proved that rule.) No, that offense belonged to the semi-Western, mostly-Judeo-Christian-themed Angels of Death. These celestial beings conveyed souls to mostly-Christian Heaven. As Ai's polar opposites, they didn't like what the Hell Girl did. Poster angel girl Momo certainly disliked her. Even token psychopath An (whom masqueraded as a yangire student of a suicidal teacher on off-days, or so Ai heard) hated Ai on principle. And every single one of these angels was armed with a very sharp scythe.

And then there were the so-called Death Gods. Ai despised Zaraki, but she loathed Ryukk's ilk. At least the Soul Reapers and Angels of Death did more or less the same job as Ai did, even if they sent souls elsewhere. But these eldritch horrors **ate** souls.

The Hell Girl couldn't have that. She had a **quota** to fill.

As if being perennial short on souls was not enough, Ai also had a dearth of assistants. Those aides she did possess were useless. Onozuka Komachi was a lazy slacker. Elusia "Elsie" de Lute Ilma could rival Cirno as representing the Platonic ideal of the word 'idiot'. And for the love of Hell, Duo Maxwell was **not** part of her organization and **certainly** not her boss.

And the icing of the cake of her woes was the trouble in her very front yard.

Kenpachi Zaraki and Gouki battled it out like the demons they so resembled. Ai would have thrown a party if one of them indeed died. Unfortunately, these two didn't die when they were killed. Instead, they came back even stronger than ever. Ai might as well install a revolving door if the border between life and death was so easily and constantly violated.

The legions of Hell ringed the combatants. But not one demon, devil, or damned soul dared to intervene. Every single spectator had been beaten by the Shinigami or Gouki at one time or another, and often on multiple occasions. Some cheered and picked sides. A few shared Ai's dim hope for a double KO. Others brought popcorn. And there was the obligatory shady Filipino organizing the illegal betting pool.

Some days, Ai just hated Suzumiya Haruhi, Yakumo Yukari, and Sheo Darren, in that order.

Resigned to refereeing the brawl, Ai just happened to look up. "Time out!"

Zaraki and Gouki froze in mid-annihilation.

"What is that?" Ai asked.

"It's a messenger owl," Zaraki explained. "The Soutaichou ordered all of the butterflies to be replaced by owls after he watched the Harry Potter movies."

The Hell Girl frowned. "What's wrong with butterflies?" She used butterfly couriers herself.

"Butterflies are girly."

Ai glared at Zaraki.

"Yeah, I love you, too, darling…" The 11th Division Captain focused on the owl. "Okay, Polly, want a cracker?"

The owl joined its laser glare with Ai's.

"Baby chickens just excavate me," Zaraki snickered.

"You mean 'Chicks dig you'," Gouki corrected. Seeing Ai staring at him, the Ansatsuken Master shrugged. "Just because I've given in to my murderous impulse does not make me culturally backwards," he stated.

"You're full of surprises, Gouki." Zaraki called him by his real name during candid moments; he only used the moniker 'Akuma' when spoiling for a fight.

"I endeavor to please."

"So," Zaraki told the owl, "What's up?"

"Dear Kenpachi Zaraki," the owl drawled in Yamamoto's voice.

Even Ai was impressed. "It can speak?" she asked.

"Yeah, they talk nonstop… ain't it cold?" Zaraki enthused.

"You mean 'cool'," Gouki corrected.

"Right, cool."

Ai tried to dampen their bloodthirsty enthusiasm by imagining them in a boys' love scenario. It… made her even more nauseous.

Several minutes of blah blah, yada yada later…

"Yours truly," solemnly finished the owl, "Yamamoto-soutaichou."

"He sure talks a lot," Zaraki observed.

"He must be a lot of fun to fight," Gouki thought aloud.

"You got that right."

And then the owl began talking once more… this time in a familiar oily voice.

"P.S. This owl will self-destruct in five seconds after you read its message."

While Hell Girl, 11th Division Captain and Ansatsuken Master stared, the owl began clucking like a chicken.

"Huh?"

.

Younger Toguro sighed at the sight of the mushroom cloud looming over Hell. "I did offer to help…"

.

Back at Seireitei's 12th Division HQ, in a laboratory where every nook and cranny held a specimen of owl, Mayuri cackled in the manner of a certain red-haired boy genius. "Success! I have created an instrument of mass destruction and annoyance! For I am Kurotsuchi Mayuri! Mad Genius!"

"**MAYURI!"**

Mayuri whirled. For a moment he'd imagined the horror of Zaraki being back so soon.

Instead, the intruder was a muscular… man? Owl? Man-owl? Owl-man? He had the head, wide tail and clawed feet of a snowy owl, but the rest of his body wouldn't have been out of place in the now oiled-and-tanned 11th Division.

He was the most absurd thing Mayuri had seen, and that included all of the stuff the Captain of the 12th Division had personally grafted into his own body.

"What? Who are you?" Mayuri demanded.

"I am Olcadan! The Disciple of the Owl God Ga'Hoole!" Olcadan swept his arm to gesture at all the imprisoned owls. "Mayuri! Let my people go!"

"O RLY?" Mayuri sneered.

"YA RLY!" Olcadan insisted.

"NO WAI!"

"YES WAI!"

"SRSLY?"

Mayuri stopped in mid-retort. He could practically feel his intellect spiraling down a kitchen drain while he debated this idiot. "Enough!" he snarled. "You and what army?"

Olcadan spread his arms as if they were the wings of an owl stooping down for the kill. "Come forth, Warriors of Ga'Hoole! Strike! With razor claws!"

No flutter of feathers warned Mayuri. Owls are ninja birds, after all. That included warrior owls wearing golden helms.

"Aaaaaaahhhh! This is Zaraki's fault! ZARAKIIIII!"

.

**More LOLZ In The Future…**


End file.
